Where To Begin.....

Ok, so I had mentioned in my very first post that I would be really really bad about keeping my blog updated. And as you can tell, that is sooooo true. It's been over a year since my last post. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about this blog until I was reading my sisters and then I remembered that I had started one. So much has happened in the +1 year since I last posted. The more dramatic things have happened more recently.

So where to begin......well, I am still with Heath. We technically took a month break because I just didn't know if I could keep going the way we were. After our month break I realized that I loved him and didn't want to be without him. And of course, a few things had to change first. But all is good now. We still haven't moved in together yet. Still planning on doing that but other obstacles and decisions have to be made first. I'll get into that in a moment.

Other things......I'm still working in EMS. Haven't left the job that I was working back when I posted the last time. However, things at work have gotten so much better. The lady that owned the company a year ago doesn't own it now and isn't even a part of it. I now have a great boss (the owner) and great supervisors. One supervisor just happens to be a man whom I have called Poppy for many many of years. I am his un-adopted daughter, so to say. He's like a second father to me. And I mean that in the sense that he loves me like a daughter enough to lecture me and chew my butt about things just as much as my own father does. I am also working with two different paramedics that I get along great with. Granted my health is making my job rather hard to do....but I'll get into that later also.

I still have a great family. I had recently spent a little time with one of my sisters, my uncles girlfriend and two of my cousins. We had originally intended on spending a night at the movies but when we arrived we discovered that the times that the website and phone line gives you for the movie is not the same as the actual time of the movie. So we went bowling instead. I had forgotten how much I love my family. And that sounds so awful to say. But here is my short history of my extended family. My mothers side of the family use to get together every Sunday for lunch. It was something I looked forward to so much every week. However, since my mother passed away in '96, I felt like an outcast. To be honest, I started feeling that way long before that, but it became overwhelming after my mother's passing. I began to not go to my grandmother's every Sunday. I also began not going to many of the family functions. Then my grandmother passed in '05. At that point, I stopped going to Christmas' at my families unless I was guilted into it. No bday parties, nothing. After my recent adventure in bowling, I realized that I have missed out on a lot with my family. I have realized that even though I don't always feel like I belong, I do love my family and they love me. And I'm scared of how much I will miss them. (which will be explained later also.) I also have a very awesome immediate family. My father, whom I don't always get along with but love dearly. My sister Tara and her husband and children who I use to always fight with but will always love. And my sister Jackie and her husband who always loved me no matter what I did or was going through but is not living in Indiana and I miss terribly. I'm blessed with a great family.

Ok, so all those explaining later things.............For the past 3 1/2 years I have been dealing with a lot of lung problems. In Feb 2007 I had lung surgery to clean out a very bad infection caused from pneumonia. Since then I have had problems breathing and I have been dealing with a lot of episodes of coughing up major amounts of blood. I have been in the hospital numerous amounts of time for the coughing up blood. Each time they say it's pneumonia or bronchitis or tell me that I had busted blood vessels in my throat and of course they always check me for TB each time I'm there. (Which thank the Lord, I don't have.) I had been seeing a pulmonologist for this entire time here in Southern Illinois. Well, i finally took the step and went to see one in St Louis. My very first visit, the doc told me he was pretty sure he knew what was going on. And after yet another CT of my chest and and Echo of my heart, he confirmed it. I have officially been diagnosed with Fibrosing Mediastinitis. Now that's a mouthful. Anywho, basically I am hypersensitive to the mold found in the soil. This is common in the Mississippi-Ohio River Valley. OMG, I'm allergic to the freaking ground. Awesome. Anywho, FM causes scarring in the lungs, shortness of breath, fatigue, coughing up blood and many other issues. There is no cure, no treatment. If it is in one lung, there is a 30% mortality rate and if it's in both lungs the rate goes up. What kills people majority of the time is the coughing up of blood. Which has been my biggest problem lately. Now, the doc had said that people more or less have to learn to live with this since there is nothing that can be done to make it go away or make it better. Now, I don't know a whole lot about this disorder right now. Because I was only recently diagnosed. But me and Heath are kind of wondering right now if moving to an arid climate will at least slow down the destruction that this disorder is causing in my body. I have another appointment in less then two weeks with the doc and that is a question we are going to be asking about.

Which brings me back to the whole me and Heath moving in together. If we are going to have to move out west, then we r probably going to wait to move in together then. Which picking up and moving many states away from all that I know is frightening. Then going back to the whole job being hard to do because of my lungs thing.....what job will I go for if I move out west. Granted I could get a job in EMS, but my health is making it hard enough to do my job now. And......my family. When I was having such a problem feeling wanted and like I belonged in regards to my family. I always thought that it wouldn't be a big deal to me if I ever moved away. However now, it a different story. Out west is a long way away from Southern Illinois. And even farther way from my sister in Indiana. I don't want to leave my family. I'm scared of moving away and something happening to them and me not being able to be there for them. Or God forbid, I'm out west for a while and haven't gotten to see a family member and then they pass. I don't know if I can deal with that. If I have to move, this is gonna be hard.

Ok, so I'm scared to death about moving, but kind of excited about the possibilities and starting over thing. And I know God will be by my side, holding my hand regardless of where the path may lead. I just have to know and trust in him and give my struggles, worries and life and put them in his hand. It's just so much easier to say it then to do it.

Ok, that's all for now. Wow, I'm long winded. Till next time.....(hopefully not a year from now). Peace, love and God be with you all.

Day By Day

This is my first attempt at ever doing a blog. And I'll probably be the worst at keeping it updated. But I thought it would be fun and help me get through things. How knows. We'll see.

As for right now, I'm dealing with a new company with the same problems as were with the old company. I'm still dealing with all the financial problems as before and all the drama. I literally hate my job. But for now, it is so hard for me to find another job that pays as good as my current one does. I can't really afford to take a pay cut but I might not have much of a choice. It's not that I don't like taking care of people. Expecially the veterans. (I'm a full time EMT) But the drama around work is what's getting to me. Along with the long hours, very little sleep, long trips and being around sick people all the time. My health isn't the best in the world anyways.

Speaking of my health. I've been having lung problems for 2 years now. They still can't seem to know what it is that is wrong with me. This is more of a pain then anything. I'm sick and tired of all the doctors. I'm sick and tired of all the tests. I'm sick and tired of it all. But I know I can't give up or anything. Hopefully soon, something will be done. Or found.

However, there are a few good things going on for me right now. Me and my boyfriend are in the process of trying to find a house. However, that's starting to become a pain also. We're both stubborn about what we want and what we like. We've found a few houses for really really good prices. Mainly because they've been forclosed on. But apparently when that happens, the owners will destroy the house before they move out. So it's making it hard to find a house in a good location, at a good price that is not destroyed. I've pretty much been living with him at his parents house for the past 2 years. But we're ready to move out on our own. These next few weeks are going to be really hard though. His father is having surgery today and I won't be able to stay at his house for a while because of me always having lung infections. And I can't really be around him out of fear of him getting an infection in his surgery site. He's gonna be a slow healer because he's a diabetic. So this all sucks. But we'll make it through it.

Everyday it seems like I'm in a struggle to make it to the next day. Everyday I feel like I'm in a struggle to satisfy everyone. To make everyone happy. And I'm not doing a very good job at it. I feel like I'm a constant disappointment. I'm on meds to help with the depression and feelings of worthlessness. It's a daily struggle. But I'm doing good. Hopefully I can continue to get better and not have bad days. They are happening less often. I'm still trusting on God everyday. Knowing that he's there for me whenever I need him. And even when I don't think I need him. I struggle with my religion alot. Not in the full since. It's hard to explain. I am saved. But I have problems with organized religion. But that whole subject will be saved for another blog. Is this blogging gonna help me talk through my problems or help me with my walk with Christ. Who knows at this point. We shall see...................